also i’ve been meaning to tell you guys about this for a while, it’s short but just hear me out okay
so a couple weeks ago i had a dream that i was married to shrek (that sure is a sentence i just typed out right there. that sure is a thing that happened in my brain and that i had to put into words just now). in this dream, my swamp husband and i were hanging out on a balcony somewhere and chatting pleasantly when i was suddenly struck with the awful realization that i had somehow forgotten i was married to shrek and had, during that time, begun dating my (actual, real life) girlfriend.
overcome with emotion, i tearfully tried to explain to my ogre husband that i had forgotten we were married and that if i had remembered, i never would have started dating her, but that i loved her and didn’t know what to do. shrek, ever benevolent, told me that though he was disappointed, he was sure we could work something out. my sobs subsided and i was comforted by his faith in me. for a moment, there was peace. then i realized, with mounting horror, that my problems were not over.
the dream ended on a single thought: how am i supposed to tell my girlfriend that i’m married to shrek?
last night i had a dream where someone was threatening to kill me and they were wearing a shirt that looked like this and if someone wants to make a shirt with this on it and send it to my mailbox i’d appreciate it
you can buy this here if you want i cleaned up the text a little bit…i hear redbubble is good.
(via empathy3000)
wow those were some horrible dreams
i think im awake finally? glad to be
i dreamed that somehow i was a pedophile? like, the police came to arrest me, and they had all this proof (which seemed devastatingly convincing in the dream) that i was DEFINITELY an “unconscious pedophile” and would DEFINITELY molest or otherwise sexually creep on children sooner or later if they didn’t take me in.
then the dream changed to “i killed a deer by accident and everyone hates me for it” and then to “one of my friends is burying me alive” and then to “i got really drunk and/or dissociated and now im ‘waking up’ next to a person from school who i REALLY don’t want to have slept with”
something like that
based on some comments i’ve been getting, i have to wonder: is “somehow, i find out that i am really a pedophile (or child molester, or rapist)” a common type of nightmare/anxiety dream?
it was pretty awful, i have to say
maybe it’s noteworthy that my nightmares tend to involve situations where i’ve been forced to hurt others terribly, situations where i discover i’ve accidentally or unknowingly/unconsciously hurt others terribly, and situations where i realize that somehow i am doomed to become this horrible, destructive rapist/murderer/monster in the future
i don’t have many bad nightmares where i am in peril from some powerful malign force, or where someone’s hurting me. actually i fairly often have pretty emotionally neutral dreams where people i care about are killing me/cutting me apart/etc. (this is never painful in the dream.)
probably the main theme of nightmares where i’m actually the victim of something is “entrapment” (being buried, restrained, walled into a room, unable to escape a location or situation) rather than being hurt or pursued or w/e
i mean this probs says some stuff about me, psychologically, yk
I haven’t had the pedophile/etc. ones specifically, but many of my anxiety dreams fit this general description.
Often, for me, the dream will utilize its ability to make up arbitrary past events to just stipulate that I’ve done something terrible and/or stupid in the past, and I spend a lot of the dream trying to figure out what I could have been thinking – like, I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to excuse myself by telling people “I have no idea why I did that, it feels like it wasn’t even me,” and yet that’s simply true
(In my case it ties pretty obviously into my waking anxieties about whether any given decision I make will seem flagrantly bad in retrospect)
@nostalgebraist did I ever tell you about the time I dreamed about you as a schoolboy doing homework in my front room?
You hadn’t. How uncharacteristic of me to appear in someone’s dream in human form!
Dreamt that nostalgebraist was a large, very enthusiastic talking dog (I think a German shepherd, or some sort of shepherd mix). He had very strong and arbitrary opinions about grammar, including that one should only speak of the dead in the future tense, and that the word “stone” ought always to be followed with a comma, “in order to put The Lord’s fence around it.”
(via nostalgebraist)
I had a dream last night that I hacked Drils twitter account and started posting a bunch of sweet shark memes and they got so many likes and retweets that Dril took me to court. When I saw him in court It turned out that Dril was actually one of the guys from Les Twins, and after the trial he told me he didn’t mind I’d hacked his account, and he only took me to court because my memes were trash.
I remember exactly what one of the shark memes was and what it said but now that I’m awake it makes NO SENSE and I don’t blame Dril for suing me, but I recreated it anyway so here have a nonsensical dream shark meme under the cut
“Your Honor, today I will demonstrate that the defendant not only knowingly and willfully misappropriated my client’s online identity, but that in doing so they irrevocably damaged my client’s personal brand and social reputation by posting shitty shark memes.
“Expert testimony will show that the defendant gained access to my client’s Twitter account through illicit means; that the account of @dril is widely known and well respected artistic platform, that has been instrumental in codifying and continues to advance the medium of shitposting; that the content of @dril conforms to a distinctive style that demonstrates a masterful grasp of the English language; and that the defendant’s shark memes are trash.
“To begin, I would like to call Laurent ‘Lil Beast’ Bourgeois to the stand. Laurent, can you please tell us about how you first created @dril…?”
the talon
wait ok
before i feel too bad
i was gonna tell this story in a video bc i suspect itd be way funnier that way but my throats shot and idk if i will still remember this dream clearly later on, so:
this morning, just before i woke up, i had a dream i got purse-snatched while standing at the bus stop in a town i used to live in
i whirled around and saw the purse thief trying to sneak away
he was this tiny, weird-looking older guy– actually, he was p. much danny devito, wearing a weirdly tight lime green t-shirt, but i didnt recognize him as danny devito in my dream, so– i was like, “wtf a gnome is making off w my bag heck no” and i sorta lunged forward and grabbed him by the shoulder
he shook me off w surprising strength, pulled a knife– not a dangerous knife, a butter knife– out from…somewhere…started waving it menacingly at me, and shouting “how dare you! how dare you girl! you have interrupted me in my work. prepare to face the wrath of…THE TALON! you have angered The Talon!”
The Talon was apparently like his special crime name or something; in my dream i just automatically understood this fact and i guess maybe he was like a semi-well known crime guy bc i felt pretty dang intimidated right about then, although that mightve been the (butter) knife being waved at my face
so then i started apologizing and like trying to flee the encounter, i offered him the cash money in my wallet if hed just forget the whole thing and let me keep the rest of my stuff, i wouldnt mention him to anyone, i said
but he just would not calm down or back off
“its too late!” he said, and he stuck the butter knife between his teeth like a pirate in a movie. then he started doing…ok this is the bit where i wish i was acting it out for you bc its hard to describe. he started doing kind of these SLOW MOTION KUNG-FU MOVES in a circle around me. not actually touching me or moving to attack me in any way. just circling, mostly in an awkward crouch, and doing stuff with his arms. it wasnt even like kung-fu per se….what i mean is, it was clearly recognizable as the sort of thing little kids do when they have never taken a martial arts class of any kind but are pretending they know kung-fu/karate/whatever on the playground. and i was getting super freaked out by this, but the thing is, it was the specific kind of freak out i associate with, like, extreme embarrassment or awkwardness, not with being attacked or in physical danger or anything
and it wasnt on The Talons behalf i was still kinda impressed by him i think
it was bc id suddenly realized that this was, like. a specific type of semi-common social interaction that there were specific conventions or protocols for and i had no idea what to do. id just forgotten. it was like, anyone else wouldve known how to engage with The Talon at that point and fight him in a socially acceptable way so that, win or lose, she could get it over with and they could both just go home. but i was clueless, and i knew i was being super rude by making him keep circling me doing slow-mo fake kung-fu like that, and that he was prob. just getting more and more pissed off, but i COULDNT REMEMBER WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO. and i couldnt ADMIT i didnt know what i was supposed to do, either! The Talon might think i was a freak, or just amazingly pathetic!! it was a real problem. i was still agonizing over it when i woke up but im relieved i never got around to actually fighting The Talon anyway
its time to reblog THE TALON again >:3
newer followers, im proud to introduce you to the single most hilarious anxiety dream of my entire life (at least, that i remember and that’s been recorded on the internet)
(”your brain would have to work really hard to top that shit”– fer)
Had a dream last night that I was at a university where all papers, no matter the discipline, were published in a Socratic dialogue a la Galileo’s “Dialogue concerning the two chief world systems”; basically every paper was a tumblr chat post trying to convince the reader of its truth. Except for one guy, who was some kind of rebellious social theory major or grad student who wore a black leather jacket and looked like Steve Hofstetter. He wrote long incomprehensible theses in black leatherbound books he somehow spread all over the campus (on the ground, in trees, etc.) and justified himself on the basis that the university’s dialogue format was “atomizing” thought, or cutting it up into discontinuous bits that could not be said to form a whole. He claimed all of the universities work was “dissected” and I think also used the word “circumcised”. After reading one of his books (my grandmother was on this campus and handed it to me for some reason) I went to try and convince him that since there seem to be fundamentally discrete quantities in physics, that the universe was already “atomized” and all of these works simply reflect that. I couldn’t find him, but I stumbled into a giant freezer, where, at this bizarro university, professors will apparently use big sheets of frost on the wall as whiteboards, and spraypaint or use a watergun with colored water to write on them. I found an extremely irate professor who had done an intricate drawing of the male reproductive system only to have Mr Rebellious Social Theory Guy come along and carve the penis out into relief, standing out on the scraped-down surface of the ice. The professor knew exactly who had done it, and explained to me that “this is just who he is”. We destroyed the frost wall, only to discover a literal locker behind it, with various knickknacks in deep-freeze. At this point my real-life roommate showed up and took some weird meat pudding out of it and commented “my brother sent me this from Afghanistan”. At this point the dream shifted tracks.
i had the strangest dream last night, in my dream, bryan fuller’s hannibal show wasn’t based on a series of thomas harris novels, but on like a long tradition of balladry…? in the dream, i had an anthology of those ballads. will graham was always this folk hero holy-madman figure. my subconscious was very punctilious about creating an appearance of accuracy as it translated the story to different places and periods; at one point i was reading a scottish version (by the same dude who wrote the testament of cresseid) and his name was consistently spelled uilleam graeme
Dreamt that nostalgebraist was a large, very enthusiastic talking dog (I think a German shepherd, or some sort of shepherd mix). He had very strong and arbitrary opinions about grammar, including that one should only speak of the dead in the future tense, and that the word “stone” ought always to be followed with a comma, “in order to put The Lord’s fence around it.”