The Top 10 Most Epic Muggle Eats
Fifty is a big number, but you won’t get tired of reading these Top Ten Elegies. It starts on page 20, for those of you who wish to go that far.
1. Vegetarian sliders: An entire book could be written on the lives and works of Mother Teresa. It’s obvious, it’s not complicated, it’s spiritual but it’s not sacred, it’s functional but it’s non-attached to any community and so on… The religious do not get to make up anything. Even what they do would be in the same league as the humanists who volunteer to put water in a hot water bottle. It’s the non-religious who just eat vegetarian sliders, thank you.
2. Atheist students not attending class: They’re easier to get. You can get “intelligent design” students, and then never show them any of the evidence. You don’t want them in class. So you choose an art form that is, at best, a den of scoundrels. (That is, teach them nothing)
3. Missing limbs: Imagining that one human limb is missing… that’s a powerful experience. It’s also not so much a mystery as an image that enters your mind. (That’s a different kind of effect, which is not science.) Imagining one limb not being there is more disturbing, because it sounds like there is an answer to the mystery. Imagining one limb being missing, however, doesn’t cause your brain to dismiss the whole thing as a lie.
4. You’re willing to put up with an unkind word: In “It doesn’t pay to care” or “Some truths are just so obvious” or “It’s easier to be depressed than cynical”, you are better off thinking, “These people don’t have the emotional capacity to put up with me.” But in the list below, you will also find a few noble and nice-seeming people who are more than happy to make yourself happy.
5. You’re willing to enjoy ridiculous amounts of cake: Many, many other people find that real cake too unpleasant to consume. They’d prefer, instead, to have one more cake than they could eat in their lifetime. It’s a much more interesting existence, for them, than having to consume all the cake they’ve been given.
6. Students who never study: Study. Don’t study. Don’t bother to study. Don’t bother to read through all the books that you’re given. Don’t complain that you can’t read through the book. Don’t waste another hour.
7. Curiosity killed the cat: There are a lot of kids who want to know about the existence of Wizarding Brains. Why would someone do that? Because they want to play with Harry Potter-looking objects or try to do “the impossible”, or just because it’s a great idea. It doesn’t seem like a particularly caring and generous motive. Curiosity is not selfish. It’s not wanting to do the work to make something happen, to see a result that you can get for yourself. Curiosity is why you’re interested in anything in the first place. Curiosity is the point from which all others are merely observations or substitutes. If you have no desire to see Harry Potter-looking objects - no desire to make it happen to make it happen - if your sole motive is just for the fun of it - it doesn’t matter what the answer is, and it doesn’t matter what you learn. It doesn’t matter whether Harry Potter-looking objects exist or don’t exist, because that’s not what you’re after.
8. Danger: Did you know that a potential Evil Overlord could theoretically invent a spell that let’s every wizard temporarily turn into a rat? Someone could just ask Harry Potter-looking objects to serve as rat bait!
9. You, the reader: No matter what you think you know about the universe, I suggest you first listen to something that’s been turned into an epic poem. (Tune in, if you haven’t done so already.) That’s what I call a pure delight. And if you need a way to channel your inner reader… well, that should come with practice.
10. Failure isn’t always failure: Sometimes there are options. Sometimes there are ways to avoid problems. If you read this list, if you do what’s told, you can do things that aren’t always failures, can be done in many cases, and might not have all failed.
And it shouldn’t matter what anyone tells you: There’s no one right answer to life’s questions, and asking the wrong question is a crime punishable by death.
Edited to add: Some people have pointed out that I mentioned a problem where a wizard didn’t know that there was a problem. It’s not clear to me that I should have suggested that someone who couldn’t find out
